A String of Saliva and a Nose Full of Nickels

Since the departure of Sweet John, a man I met online and dated for almost a year, I've been wondering: Am I willing, much less ready, to return to online dating, to pull on the wet swimsuit of ridiculous usernames and perfunctory communications with men who for all I know are 20-year-old women calling themselves Roger and plotting to swindle me? Or worse, 40-something men actually named Roger and plotting to kill me?

I have always had mixed feelings about online dating, part of it stemming from being born toward the end of the Baby Boom. It set me up to embrace much of what the Information Age has brought but be baffled by the rest. And I'm ambivalent about online dating. Through it, I have crossed paths with some very weird people and credit gut instinct, a modicum of smarts, and an army of angels for the fact that nothing seriously harmful has happened to me. Then again, online dating is the reason I have some of my closest male friends, because that's what becomes of love interests when you don't become a couple but the next best thing happens.   

I had a knee-jerk reaction after Sweet John, resulting in a message to some man on Match.com whose hobbies included trumpet-playing. What he'd written about himself was neither intriguing to me nor off-putting. Judging from his picture, he wasn't handsome but seemed likable.

Oh, why not?  I thought, and typed:

Hello, TootingMan:

I enjoyed reading your profile. If you'd like to communicate further, please let me know. 

Hoping to hear from you -

SickOfThis

The next day there was a message from TootingMan saying that sure, he’d be happy to become better acquainted. He included his name (real, I assume) and a phone number in case I’d like to chat, which at that point I would not. I messaged back, ignoring the chat part, and we shared a brief, dull exchange of about four messages ending, by some weirdo miracle, in a date for coffee that next Wednesday. 

Wednesday found me pondering what business I had using an online dating site. I really should take a break from it until I've adjusted to the new me. You see, life has just plopped me at a scary and confusing crossroads. About to turn sixty, I have changed so radically and so recently that my head spins from it. Not long ago, I let my gray hair grow in, a decision for which I have no regrets. But to borrow from Leonard Cohen, suddenly "I ache in the places where I used to play." I'm finding that weight gain lurks in the bushes ready to jump me if I eat so much as a candy bar, and will cling to my wobbling frame unless I work out for five hours a day over the course of the next three weeks while eating only kale. Overnight my feet became drier than the BBC News Hour. 

That, of course, is not true; nothing could be drier than the BBC News Hour. 

As the date loomed, I found myself willing to go, but lacking the happy little jump in my stomach I've often felt when meeting someone new. I checked my messages at noon, saw that he was canceling because a trumpet gig had come along and was surprised by how relieved I felt.  

Then I looked at his picture again. In it he was laughing, and a string of saliva stretched from the roof of his mouth to his tongue. The string was obvious, so why didn't I notice it before? And his nose was huge; it was splayed across his face, resembling the underside of a shovel. 

I thought of the W.C. Fields movie The Bank Dick where a little boy looks at Fields then asks his mother, "Mommy, doesn't that man have a funny nose?" The mother replies, "You mustn't make fun of the gentleman, Clifford. You'd like to have a nose like that full of nickels, wouldn't you?" 

Please understand, I don't put a lot of stock in "attractiveness," whatever that is. But what made me look at that picture, read a profile that wasn't interesting to me, share four messages that did nothing to spark my interest, and arrive at the conclusion that I should reach out? 

Maybe subconsciously I wanted someplace warm to keep my nickels.

White Caps on Lake Mousey

I started graying in my early thirties, and instead of just accepting it as one of nature's quirks, I made a beeline for the beauty aisle at my local grocery store and bought my first box of hair color.

Image by Teece Aronin. 

We're allowed our own choices about these kinds of things, but to anyone out there still dying (their hair), I will say that I shudder to think how many charitable donations could have been made, how many cruises could have been taken and how many co-pays could have been paid with the money I spent on all that dye. 

And forget having it dyed professionally. I never paid someone to do that for me. I much preferred to spend less, do it myself, and then replace the shower curtain, the shower curtain liner, and the grout between the bathroom tiles after splattering up the bathroom.

And there are all kinds of valid ways to look at things like this. Our appearance is a crucial part of how we feel about ourselves, and like plastic surgery, diet, and clothing, there aren't many wrong choices assuming we have our mental balance when we make those decisions.

However, my mental and even my physical balance are a little toddleresque at times, and I kept dying my hair into my fifties because I cared too much about what others saw when they looked at my aging head. That seems silly to me now.

I have a friend about my age whose salt and pepper pageboy frames her face perfectly, and I can't imagine her looking quite herself any other way. She told me, "Yeah, I started graying in my thirties too, and I just went with it!" When she said, "went with it," the page boy took a little swing around as she merrily tossed her head. She might as well have said, "Yeah, I saw the yawning abyss of advancing age open right in front of me, and I just zip-lined right over it!"

I tried the zip-line thing, too, by dying my hair. In my case, the cord snapped, and I landed on my fanny in the treacherous part of the abyss, the part my friend zipped right over, a part where some women stay and dye until they die. Men too!

Yes, lots of men dye their hair - and their beards - and their mustaches - and since women typically don't do comb-overs, I think that gives women a leg up in the self-image/self-acceptance department - in the health and beauty aisle anyway. Actually, that's probably not true. 

Anyway, now that I've decided to let my hair gray, I'm finding that's not so simple either. If I'd been a blonde, it would have been easier since the gray roots wouldn't have been as noticeable. But I'd been a brunette with redhead tendencies from the get-go, so when I tried to dye my hair blonde so the gray could ease in, it turned out the color of an anemic carrot, and the gray roots glowed ominously. 

Lately, what's been working - kind of - is having my hair cut very short so that as the gray hair at the top grows in and the brown at the bottom gets snipped off, I'm looking more all of a color.

I saw my brother recently after several months apart, and he joked about my "little white cap." Seeing the expression on my face, he then spent the next ten minutes reassuring me that no, it really did just look like highlights.  

Highlights or not, it was time for me to stop clinging to something that's not only unnatural and expensive, but not that attractive on me anymore.

And it was time for me to stop fearing the "abyss," because most of it's not an abyss at all. It's a little like the Grand Canyon: natural, mysterious, beautiful - a little scary - and begging to be explored.

According to My Specs

Last week for the first time, I couldn't find my glasses - because I wasn't wearing them. 

I might keep a few extra 

pairs of glasses around the house - 

or around my face. 

I yelled for my daughter who searched while I trailed her, whining over and over that I couldn't find my glasses without my glasses.

When my daughter found my specs, I put them on with the nerve-racked, shaky-handed gratitude of someone handed nitroglycerin tablets in just the nick of time. I sat on the edge of my creaking old quilt-covered bed, and it hit me: 

- I'm a woman of a certain age. 

- I need my glasses to find my glasses. 

- The bed wasn't creaking, it was me!

Then I realized that glasses had been dangling my future dotage before my failing eyes for years. 

I didn't have children until I was in my forties. When I was forty-three and getting an eye exam, the optometrist broke the news that it was time for my first pair of bifocals. Hand to God, the words that flew from my mouth at that moment were: "I can't need bifocals - I have babies at home!" 

For years I'd thought that dual umbilical cords were carrying sustenance from my ovaries to my eyeballs and that having children that late in life, my eyeballs were returning the favor. But for that to be true, my inner workings would have to look like an Escher print. 

Then there was the adult movie with a scene that depressed me for years. This movie (which I might have heard about, not necessarily seen!) depicted women, age 50-plus, getting a lot of, shall we say, attention, from younger men. A woman in one of the vignettes was wearing reading glasses and never took them off despite them slipping ever closer to the end of her nose. Now I understand that she didn't take them off because she needed them to see what was happening.

Forgetting where I've left my glasses is bound to happen again. And blaming my glasses, as though they're at fault by forgetting where they put my face, won't help. It's time to accept the facts. I'm getting older. 

But that doesn't mean I can't still love who I am, and even who I see whenever I look in the mirror.  And it doesn't mean I can't see myself in the best light possible even if I need the best light possible to see myself. 

We crawl, then we walk, then we walk a little slower. All the better for seeing what's most important and what is truly beautiful.