Besmirch Research

According to an article I found online (where everything you read is true) up to 68% of kids may be more likely to exercise when their friends do.

Image source: stockadobe.com

This conclusion was based on research conducted by experts who may be more likely to conduct studies of things that may be more likely to be common sense. Or it might have been the fault of the article's writer. But why anyone would deem it necessary to couch these findings with "may" and "likely," as though they represent radical thinking and careful wording is essential for avoiding a lawsuit, is beyond me. 

How could such a statement not be true? Imagine with me if you will:

It's a beautiful June afternoon. Little Billy Bumponalog is sitting under a tree finishing off an all-day sucker and two toaster pastries. His best friend, Joey trots over. Joey says, "Hey, Billy! Let's play tag!"

Billy Bumponalog slowly stirs from a stupor induced by a plunge in his glucose levels. He gazes up at Joey through slitted eyes. 

"Is that you, Joey?" Billy asks weakly.

Joey is annoyed. This has happened before, just yesterday, as a matter of fact. "Sure it's me. Who'd you think it was?"

"For a minute there, you looked a little like my Aunt Babs," says Billy. "She always brings me candy when she visits. Man, I'm kinda bummed you're not her."

"You know, I think you may be over-indulging your sweet tooth," Joey advises. "That might make health-endangering conditions such as obesity and diabetes at least somewhat more likely."

Joey has a bright future writing about medical research. "Now, c'mon," he says. "Let's play tag!" Then he bops Billy lightly on the head. "You're it!"

Because of Billy's blood sugar levels, that playful little tap knocks him cold. He slumps onto his side for a long summer's nap. Joey shrugs and runs off, playing tag with himself, thumping himself on alternating cheeks, right and left, right and left until he too falls to the ground, unconscious.

Gosh, maybe it is plausible.