For Al-John and All the Others Like Her

For a while I did a lot of online dating. Many days as an online dater were an adventure in cat and mouse except the cats were usually VERY stupid. And most of the cats who weren't stupid were VERY creepy.

Graphic design: Teece Aronin

One day a man "liked" my profile (meaning he clicked something to indicate his interest), and when I took a closer look, he'd posted no photo of himself, listed nothing by way of personal information, and his username was AlmostNormalNow.

Then there was Seekingonereal. It took me half an hour to figure out that he was seeking one real. I couldn't imagine why he'd want to date a woman with an STD unless maybe he worked for the Health Department.

The parade continued when I spent almost a week messaging with a man before he wrote that he really wasn't ready to date someone after all. 

'Well, it was great while it never lasted,' I sighed. Two days later he texted: "Hi, Terri! How are you, gorgeous?"

"How am I?" I wrote back, "I'm not Terri, for one thing." 

There are a lot of scammers on these sites too, and most of them aren't the sharpest tools in the shed, but they are tools. Case in point: the man who messaged me whose profile said he was a "guy seeking girls." At one point, he listed his name as John, and at another time he was Al. And on top of all that, his profile said, "I'd love to meet a really great guy and settle down; some man who knows how to treat a real and honest woman like me."

Our exchange went like this:

Me: "Why does your profile say your name is Al?"

Al-John: "Because that happens to be my name, sweetheart."

Me: "Then why does it also list your name as John?"

Al-John: "Oh, because my name is Al but I sometimes go by John."

Me: "And why did your profile say you're a woman?"

Al-John: "I think I typed that without my glasses. Maybe I should wear them more often."

Me: "Maybe you should, girlfriend."

To be fair, there were times I'd stretch out on the bed in ratty sweats, my hair in rollers with three or four candy bars and a party size bag of chips. I'd be tucked into bed all cozy, messaging something like this:

"Well thank you. You seem interesting, too. And yes, of course I think you're cute. Thank you for thinking I'm cute, too. Yup, I do try to take care of myself. I feel so much healthier when I eat right."

One of the online dating hopefuls messaged me one day, and when I looked at his photos, there was one of him posing in front of the Washington Monument so that it appeared to be rising out of his trouser-fronts. 

Things finally got so bad that when a ruggedly handsome guy who had two college degrees and was working on a Masters in Divinity asked me out, my friend, Tina shouted, "Praise God!" It turned out that, in addition to worshiping God, he wanted to worship me too, just not in church. 

Sometimes I'd get a little discouraged. So many men out there did not seem to be looking for what I was. I mean, I thought I knew what I was looking for. Well, let's put it this way: I knew what I wasn't looking for; I wasn't looking for a man like Al-John.

And I definitely wasn't seekingonereal.