Sometimes It's Just Nice to Have Someone Do Your Work for You. Thank You, Help You Flunk Essay-writing Service!

Where is it written that everything should be written? Take this ad for the (let's call them) Help You Flunk Essay-writing Service. I found them when I was Googling around for something else. 

Dr. Bertha Baumgartner of 
Ainsworth, Iowa. Patience pays off.
Image by Teece Aronin. 

Please know that I am a gentle soul, even when it comes to other people's writing, and especially when said other people are writing in a second language. But when I saw this ad for an ESSAY WRITING SERVICE, I needed to be physically restrained. Please note that the italics are mine; everything else is all them. I also broke up some of their block paragraphs which were longer than anything you'll find in Manhattan:

Searching for websites that can write your essays? You are at the targeted place!

Students have a habit of doing their essays at the eleventh hour. This is because they are just too lazy procrastinating or at times there are some other commitments due to which they are unable to complete their assignments on time. Whatever the reasons may be Help You Flunk Essay-writing Service provides you timely essay writing service all at your home with ease and convenience. Just exclaim " Where to find websites that can write my essays?” and we will be most willing to help you out with your essays.

People generally tend to get confuse as they look for more websites that write custom essays online. With the advent of the internet, now students can approach these excellent websites that write essays more quickly. At Help You Flunk Essay-writing Service we guarantee all the students to have the most thorough professionals with our writers holding at least masters or PhD degree to ensure quality service. So don’t worry about the quality of the essays as we have got the best team all ready to assist you with your tedious essays. (Yeah, you lazy, stupid students and your tedious, TEDIOUS essays.)

Acquire credible services by a bunch of professional, knowledgeable writers at the best rates. (Who knew that professional, knowledgeable writers come by the bunch? Hey, Mr. Tally Man, tally me professional, knowledgeable writers,)

We are also known as one of the most reputable and committed team of essay writing services. If you are perplexed and double minded, then look at the myriad of benefits, which are offered by us.

• Our team is unswerving to excellence (Yup, they aren't a bit afraid of smashing right into it) and guarantees quality over anything. Our main motto is assuring our customers that their content will be reliable and involves rich content with accurate and detailed elements in it.
• There is no need to be concerned in terms of price range and packages, the rates are absolutely under the budget and are totally partial (Translation: If we don't like don't like you, we charge accordingly). We deliver unique content to our clients within the best affordable price deals.
• The content you will receive in the shape of essays is totally customized. They are perfectly tailored and designed to satisfy your academic interests and ultimately deliver according to that.
• Leave all your worries aside, as we offer essay writing services that are totally unique. We do not believe in copy pasted, recycled material and our expert writers make that sure as well. They rely on originality and ingenuity, which is depicted in the content.
• We provide a 100% guarantee that the allotted tasks will be delivered to you with in the prescribed time and with the availability of a speedy delivery.

Websites that write custom essays at the cheapest rates

With so many websites that write your custom essays online, the competition is getting tougher and the margins are shrinking like never before. Our company is well aware of the students’ needs and the competition in the industry. We know that students are living within a stringent budget for themselves and for this purpose we have devised the cheapest plan for them. Therefore, Help You Flunk Essay-writing Service provides you the best essay writing service all at an awfully affordable price starting from just $12.99/page. 

Furthermore, we keep on revising your work until you are satisfied with it (or until we get it right, depending on which party, you or us, gives up first) and never share your personal profile with any one to respect your privacy. So are you still reluctant about ordering your essays? (Hell, YES!) We are sure we have convinced you that we provide you with the highest quality essay writing service at the cheapest rates.

Customized essays online now available in US 

We would like to commend the team’s diligence that has finally paid off and officially announce that Help You Flunk Essay-writing Service is now available in US. We are constantly improving and growing our work to deliver you in the most efficient manner. No matter what lifestyle you have you don’t need to worry and compromise anymore. Many of you are sportsman or hardcore fitness trainers, others like to prefer travelling or reading books therefore they can’t write essays up to their peers’ standards. We would want you to be who you are and continue with your preferred activities because we are here in US to provide you with the most customized essays online. Just sit and relax and enjoy your day while we customize your essays according to your needs. 

We have been expanding our work ever since we started off with the venture with other countries such as UAE, UK, Australia and even Canada (because anyone can read online ads almost anywhere in the world and Canadians are too polite to say no) as our business place. Most importantly our academic writers are proficient in almost all the disciplines which include Micro Economics, Customer Relation Management, Art History, and other subjects. So hurry up students, don’t miss out the chance and order now to get customized essays for our website. We are hardly a few clicks away.

Teece here again. Note the case of Bertha Baumgartner pictured above. Baumgartner finally graduated from University of Iowa, Carver College of Medicine and is now a practicing urologist. She'd been a client of Help You Flunk since 1943 when the service still typed its essays on Underwood typewriters. Said Baumgartner: "Hindsight is always 20-20. Maybe I should have switched to another service, but I never change horses in midstream." 

"This is Memorial Day weekend and I decided that I deserved to phone this one in. So I kicked back and let the Help You Flunk Essay-writing Service write today's blog post for me. 

And it's staying here until I receive a cease and desist letter from their lawyer, which would have to be better written than their ad. 

Moved to Tears

The kids and I had waited a long time for this day, the day we would finally move into a house of our own after five years of apartment-living. And everything was going so well until our dog, usually the lovable lunk type, shot out our new front door like something fired from a circus cannon to attack a neighbor's 11-year-old Basset hound.

Hope, waiting for
"her kids" to come home. 

Everyone had been distracted. Hope was corralled in the fenced-in back yard, but was staring through the window like we'd abandoned her on Pluto, so someone felt sorry for her and let her in. When the movers opened the front door, and Hope saw sweet little Selma trundling along across the street, it was all over but the sutures.

Giving Hope the benefit of the doubt, she was in a strange place with a lot of commotion, she likely felt a need to stake out her new territory and protect us, and she might have mistaken Selma for a housewarming present. 

Selma's owner, a tiny woman in her sixties, had been walking her dog and minding her own business when Hope skidded up, clamped down on Selma's elephantine ear and wouldn't let go. One of the movers sprinted over, grabbed Selma's leash, and tried to kick Hope off. My daughter Sydney screamed. I went running, grabbed Hope, then had it pointed out to me by the mover at the top of his lungs, that Selma's ear was still trapped between Hope's teeth; yanking on Hope wouldn't help Selma.

What felt like hours in slow-motion was probably about 30 seconds, and Hope somehow became detached. I hauled her up in my arms yelling, "Stupid dog! Stupid dog! Stupid dog!" all the way across the street, up the driveway and into the house until I could dump her in the bathroom and shut the door.

I ran back to where Selma's owner, understandably distraught, was standing with the mover who was also shaken up. 

"I'm so sorry!" I said. I was in tears for Selma who, unbelievably, nuzzled my hand, making me cry harder.

"I need to wash my hands," said Selma's owner. "I have blood on them."

"Of course," I said. "Come in the house with me. Do you live on this street?"

That, I admit, was a self-serving question. The only thing that could make everything worse was Selma's owner living two doors down with all that ammo with which to bash me to all the other neighbors before I'd had a chance to make my own bad impression.

"No," she said, and indicated another street up the road from mine.

Oh, thank God, I sighed inside my head.

I escorted Selma's owner into the house where she nervously glanced around like a guest of the Munsters. I took her to the kitchen sink and she rinsed her hands.

"I have to take Selma to the hospital now." Her eyes were huge and her voice flat with shock. 

"Would you like me to go with you?"

"No."

Now really, what had I thought she would say?

"May I ask your name?" I queried.

"Karen O'Brien," she answered as we went on to exchange phone numbers.

"Please know that whatever it costs, this is obviously my responsibility and I will pay for everything Selma needs." 

"Thank you. I'll be back later," Mrs. O'Brien said, and left.

When several hours passed with no word from Mrs. O'Brien, I took the kids out to eat but left a note on our door so she wouldn't think we'd blown her off. While we were out, Syd and I made a stop at a pet store to buy Selma some treats. When we got home, we saw that Mrs. O'Brien had left a note in place of ours. It read cryptically:
                             
                                Selma and I stopped by. Please call.
                               ~ Karen O'Brien 

I called Mrs. O'Brien immediately. She was calm, polite and direct while telling me that Selma had surgery and the bill was $753.85. My brain glazed over and this soothing image arose of Hope's head on a platter, garnished with chocolates and chicken bones, her mouth stuffed with one of her own kongs.

Syd felt she should go too, so we walked up to Mrs. O'Brien's neat as a pin little brick house and knocked on the door. It was a storm door and when we knocked, Selma waddled up, forgot about her cone, and bounced off the glass. 

Mrs. O'Brien gingerly sidestepped Selma and let us in. She wasn't exactly warm; tolerant is a better word, but who could blame her? She indicated two empty seats then sat down on her sofa. Sydney offered the treats to Mrs. O'Brien with the first of the visit's many apologies.

And then Mrs. O'Brien smiled. "Oh, wasn't that nice of you." She offered Selma the treats but the dog didn't show much interest. "Well, I'm sure Selma will love these once she's feeling better."

When Mrs. O'Brien offered me a copy of the bill, I saw that one of the items was an "Elizabethan collar." Why should I have to pay for a fancy new collar? I thought, feeling a little ticked off until I realized that the Elizabethan collar was that cone Selma would be stuck in 24/7 for at least a couple of weeks.

I handed Mrs. O'Brien a check then glanced around the room. Beside the fireplace was a small Kelly green leather wing-back chair with little steps leading to the seat. 

"I take it that's Selma's chair,” I said.

"Yes." Mrs. O'Brien smiled again, this time fondly in the direction of the chair. "I didn't buy it for Selma, but she claimed it as her own. As she got older, she couldn't get into it by herself so now she has a little help."

There was a back support pillow reading WOOF in a bentwood rocker opposite the wingback. Clearly Mrs. O'Brien, who was a widow, cherished this dog and just as clearly, she was a very nice person. Syd and I teared up again as the three of us discussed what happened. Then Mrs. O'Brien, proving herself a straight shooter said to me:

"Well, I admit for a while there, I was thinking about bombing your house, but I'm pretty much over that now. And I'm pleased to see how seriously you've taken this. The two of you can stop by and visit Selma and me whenever you like."

Later we learned that Mrs. O'Brien was to have shoulder surgery in a few days, so the day after her operation, Syd and I walked over to her house with a plant. The storm door was closed, but the front door was open and a coloring book and crayons were scattered on the floor. In the driveway was a car with Massachusetts plates.

"Oh, how nice; Mrs. O'Brien probably has family helping her after her operation," I said. I knocked softly and when no one answered, I hung the plant in its gift bag on the door knob.

A few hours later, I received a text from Mrs. O'Brien thanking me for the plant and explaining that her daughter and son-in-law drove up from Boston to help after the surgery, but the surgery was postponed because Mrs. O'Brien wouldn't be able to oversee Selma's recovery with one arm. How could things get any weirder? Surely, next up, Selma would somehow manage to explode. 

"But it's fine," the text continued. "Now we'll just have a nice visit instead." 

Since moving day, when Hope "helpfully" introduced us by mauling her dog, Mrs. O'Brien has continued to allow us to befriend her. We've exchanged more texts and the other day Syd walked over to her house with a slice of cake. While they chatted, Syd offered to walk Selma any time and Mrs. O'Brien said that she would be happy to pay Syd for her services.

Replied my daughter, of whom I am immensely proud: "Oh, I think that under the circumstances, walking her for free is the least I can do."