Emile, Are You There? It's Me, Nellie!

When my marriage ended and the dust finally settled, my kids told me I should try online dating. Inwardly I groaned, but I have to admit, I was curious. It had been nearly 20 years since I'd last dated; my mind, face, body, my very psyche for that matter were different now - in some ways better and in some ways not. What kind of men would I attract? Would I attract any? Who might be out there who would make sense as the other half of a couple with me?

When I met my ex-husband, my weight was a healthy 140 pounds or so and I was in my late thirties. But during my second pregnancy at age 43, I developed gestational diabetes, a condition which resolved itself after the birth of the baby, but which had left my metabolism so wildly out of control, that my weight ballooned to over 250 pounds. Despite consulting an endocrinologist, and doing everything she told me to do, including exercise, the most weight I ever lost at any given time was six pounds - honest: six pounds. And every time I lost those six pounds, they would fly back and wrap themselves around me faster than you can say, "big mama."

I'm sure the life stressors we all cope with were part of the problem, too, and that I sought too much solace at the bottom of a bag of chips, but overall, I tried very hard to eat in a way which should have landed me at a healthy weight but just couldn't seem to succeed.

Eventually, I opted for bariatric surgery and my weight dropped to something somewhere in the chunky range. Then divorce stressors replaced family stressors and I lost about thirty pounds without even meaning to. So when my kids started nudging me towards online dating, I was thinner than I could ever remember being as an adult; about a size eight. But that weight fluctuation had led to a confused self-image, so I often stared in hard-blinking amazement at pictures of the handsome men approaching me on the dating sites I'd chosen. Why were they attracted to me, I wondered. I won't mention the sites by name, but they rhyme with Scratch.com and No Way, Stupid.

But it's funny (and not in the hah-hah way) that I could learn so much about the mysteries of physical attraction at such a late stage of life; sometimes more than I wanted to. Some men who reached out to me online seemed to think the heavens had opened up to deposit me in front of them. Then again, one man I dated struggled with his lack of physical attraction to me while feeling very connected to me "emotionally and intellectually."

Hearing this hurt, so when he finally managed to articulate this concern, I grappled for my dignity, sat up straight in my pen and demurely folded my hooves atop my udder. And it was a herculean effort to limit my weeping to only one set of my six eyes.

Then, one night he and I had dinner with his sister who was chatting me up as we waited for a table. "So you met my brother on Scratch.com?"

"That's right," I smiled.

"I never had any luck on Scratch," she mused.

"Neither did I," I said. 

And then we all laughed and laughed and laughed. I was joking - mostly, but zinging him a little felt good. I have to say, though, that knowing him was very much worth the jab to my ego and he proved himself a wonderful friend. And one of my most honest, damn him.

But really . . . Who can explain it? Who can tell you why? Fools give you reasons; wise men never try. Oh, wait, that was Emile De Becque serenading Nellie Forbush in South Pacific. Some Enchanted Evening was the song. And that was physical attraction the way it should be.

Now, if I could just find my Emile De Becque, I might even be willing to change my name to Nellie Forbush. Then again, maybe just Nellie.

Me and Martha and Stan and Ollie

It once appeared that I was on a Martha Stewart-like career trajectory, the likes of which have not been seen since - well - since Martha Stewart. 

The birth of my daughter seemed to trigger a hormone-fueled artistic binge and I started painting, took up photography and, most amazing to me anyway, started designing my own hand-painted pillows. When I was making the first two or three, I didn’t even know what the sewing term, “right sides together” meant. I just happened to trip into an explanation of it while watching a craft show on HGTV, to which, now that I was both wife AND mother, I had become doubly addicted. 

In case you’re not a sewer, putting the right sides together means that, in effect, you’re sewing something together inside-out, then, just before you’ve stitched it all the way around, you stick your hand in, turn the item right-side-out and then sew up the last little bit. That way, your stitches don’t show. 

Hearing that explanation of right sides together came as a huge epiphany and explained why most sewn items look the way they do. Who knew? Most people, probably, but that was beside the point because now I knew, too. And now my pillows would be a lot more professional-looking and there would be no stopping me. After I'd made a few more pillows, I asked the opinion of an interior decorator who told me that they were worth over a hundred dollars apiece. Could she have been drunk, I asked myself later. No, I didn't think so. 

I am a great lover of the comedy team, Laurel and Hardy, and one day, I took a piece of cloth and painted onto it their likenesses as they had appeared in The Music Box, a short from 1932. In it, Stan and Ollie struggle to haul a clunky, crated, upright piano up a seemingly endless flight of steps. I never did perfect my Stan, but my Ollie looked just like him, even if I do say so myself. When I finished painting the cloth, I put it in the dryer to set the paint, then sewed it (right sides together) onto another piece of fabric and stuffed it. I really liked this pillow.

One day, I screwed up all my courage, tucked that pillow under my arm and walked into a shop that specialized in movie memorabilia. Timidly, I asked the owner if he would put it up for sale. He looked at the pillow dubiously – I mean, who could blame him. After all, people aren't exactly clamoring for Laurel and Hardy-themed pillows. If he put it in his shop window and a crowd gathered, it would have to be because the pillow had spontaneously combusted. So, he wouldn't buy it from me, but he would display the pillow in the store and give me most of the money if it sold. 

I left the shop feeling as victorious as Martha Stewart must have after her first bake sale because now a new Martha had been born! One day, I would be a guest on Martha's show where she would complement my pillows and I would gush over her edible gold-, silver- and copper-leaf hand-dipped Christmas cookies. Yes I would. Oh, my head was filled with visions of pillows and Martha, of Martha and pillows. 

It wasn't long after, that my then-husband, Michael and I celebrated our wedding anniversary and when Michael presented me with a wrapped bundle, he was apologizing.

“Teece, I hope you’re not insulted or upset. Believe me, I had all the best intentions.”

Now, Michael always said Teece-I-hope-you're-not-insulted-or-upset-Believe-me-I-had-all-the-best-intentions any time he'd just done something insulting or upsetting - or potentially divorce-worthy. But when I opened the gift, my heart filled with love. He had paid $90 for that pillow just so he could give it back to me for our anniversary. 

But wait a minute, that was sweet and touching and all, but if launching my Martha Stewart-style business empire meant my husband was going to be buying back the product line piece by piece, the future of my enterprise looked bleak. But I was fine with this thoughtful gesture. After all, it was a sign of a strong marriage when one spouse cared enough for the other to ruin that spouse's chances at a billion dollar hand-painted pillow empire. And I'd have done the same for Michael. So yes, I was okay with it. 

Anyway, I got the pillow in the divorce. And these days, like the artist who created it, that pillow, as you can see, is a little worse for wear.  The paint is worn and smeary-looking and the pillow itself is now flat and lumpy; again, a lot like the artist. But the pillow has become very special to my daughter who keeps it on her bed. So yes, I am still okay with it. 

And I guess it really is the thought that counts – in this case, all the way up to ninety bucks. 

How to Properly Socialize Your Infant

Though we usually got along well in principle, there could be a bit of head-butting between my former mother-in-law and me. When my daughter was a year old, the chief issue was my mother-in-law's concerns that I hadn't gotten out of the house enough since Sydney was born and that it was probably because I was depressed. Further, she worried, if I wasn't getting out enough, then neither was Syd and that meant the baby wasn't being properly socialized. 

Syd, seen here a few years older,
learning what a plate glass
window looks like.

I disagreed but who was I other than one of the two parties in question and the mother of the other?

But it was stunning how quickly we called a truce when the family patriarch, Grandpa Sid (my mother-in-law's father) announced that he was taking the family on a cruise. 

There were quite a few of us going, too. In addition to Grandpa Sid, my mother-in-law and I, were my father-in-law, my sister-in-law, my then-husband, Michael, and Grandpa Sid's caregiver. 

Michael and the baby and I spent the night before departure at his parents' and while hugging her, Michael accidentally bruised his mother's rib. I reminded her unhelpfully that love hurts. 

The next day, my father-in-law handed us the matching t-shirts he'd had made with embroidered nautical motifs and the cheerful little message: Grandpa Sid's Family Cruise. There was even an extra-tiny version for the baby.

That first night on the ship, I was alone with Sydney in our cabin. She was having trouble falling asleep so I stepped onto the balcony and held her - not like Michael Jackson held his baby on a balcony, but silently and gently. Together we watched the moon reflected in a crooked jag across rough, slate-colored water. Hushing sounds from the waves, breezes kissing her face and the lilting motions of the ship put the baby right to sleep. 

Dinners on the cruise were extravagant, and Sydney was dressed like a princess for each one. One night we were served by a dignified waiter of mysterious national origin who reminded me of the late actor, Brock Peters. When my mother-in-law blew razzberries at Sydney, he dryly inquired, "And who's the baby, madame?" The waiter's question reassured me that my theories on infant socialization might be almost as sophisticated as my mother-in-law's. 

One afternoon, we all disembarked for a walking tour and my mother-in-law was excited that Syd would finally see the sun. She took turns with my father-in-law pushing the stroller, the entire time saying, "Look, Sydney! That's what a cloud looks like!" and "Look, Sydney! That's what a horse looks like!" and "Look, Sydney! That's what a manhole cover looks like!"

Then, either she or my father-in-law lost their grip on the stroller, and Syd began a speedy decent down a grassy embankment, all of us chasing after her. Faster and faster, she rolled until the stroller smashed into a chain link fence at the bottom of the hill, a loud ka-ching signaling the end of her ride.

By the time we caught up to her and took a good look, we saw that she was no worse off for the experience and seemed to have actually enjoyed herself. 

"See, Sydney?" I said, pretending to mash my hand into my face. "That's what a chain link fence looks like."

Then my mother-in-law, much to her credit, began to laugh, and her laughing made me laugh. And we laughed together hard . . . until we had to stop because it made her bruised rib hurt. 

Angel in a Helmet

One morning, I lost my Mother of the Year Award twice in 15 minutes.  

I was attempting to get my seven-year-old son and nine-year-old daughter off to school. My daughter was on a course of oral steroids for treatment of a run-in with poison oak. I, in my finite wisdom, defied the clock and decided she should take the pills right then before we left, even though we were extremely tight on time. She sat at the kitchen table, her face swollen and blotchy, crying because she didn't want to go to school looking like she'd just gone nine rounds with a boxing kangaroo. 

               
She put one of the pills into her mouth, but because of the sobbing, was unable to get it down. Cleverly, I used child psychology to help her swallow the pill: "Swallow - the - pill - now - please." We Mother of the Year Award winners always say please to reinforce good manners in our kids. What a surprise when she cried harder. By the time we left the house, water and pills had dribbled down her front, into her lap, and onto the carpet, upsetting us both even more. 

               
After we got in the car, my son told me his lunch money was in the house, even though I had expressly instructed him to put it in his backpack. "Oh, this is just great!" I said, stomping up the walk to unlock the front door for him. 

               
A few minutes later, both kids had been safely deposited at school, and as I decompressed, I began a post-mortem of the morning. I decided that even though I was clearly wrong, I wasn’t going to be too hard on myself since 99.9% of the time I am patient with my kids. I was also under a lot of stress that day. 

I decided that the first thing I was going to do when I picked the kids up later would be to apologize for acting like a “big, dumb jerk,” which is how I would refer to myself in hopes of making them smile. Then, I remembered a child to whom I had apologized many years before.

                
During high school, I volunteered every afternoon at a learning center for people with disabilities. There was one little boy, Vincent, who lit up every time I walked into his classroom and would rush to me for a hug. 

I wish you could picture him as clearly as I can: four years-old, Black, slight build, and an ever-present helmet to protect his head during seizures. He had the most beautiful eyes I had ever seen - huge, round eyes with long, curling eyelashes, and he was completely nonverbal. I was crazy about this child, and if he thought I was the highlight of his day, I knew he was the highlight of mine.

               
One winter day, it was time to go home, so I started helping Vincent with his coat. Gently, I placed his little fist against the opening at the top of the sleeve and guided it in. About halfway through the sleeve, his fist stopped. I assumed he'd purposely grabbed onto the lining.

               
“Vincent, you have to put your coat on; this isn’t time to play,” I said. I pushed down on the little fist again, but it went nowhere.

“Vincent, this is not funny,” I said peering straight into the bon-bon eyes. Those eyes would have no effect on me, no sir. He looked back at me with a placid little smile that I mistook for defiance. “You have to put your coat on now, or you’ll miss the bus. Now, please stop fighting me.”

               
When I failed for the umpteenth time to push his hand through the sleeve, I reached up through the cuff to grasp his hand and pull it through. What I pulled through were his hat and mittens. He had been unable to push his fist through the sleeve and unable to tell me so.

               
Shamefully, my eyes darted toward a teacher who was calmly and successfully helping another child into his coat. I was glad she didn’t seem to have noticed. Then she smiled and said, “Don’t you just hate it when you do something stupid like that?”

              
I admitted that yes, I did hate it when I did something stupid like that. Then I looked at Vincent who was still gazing at me. His expression was the same as before, but this time I saw it for what it really was: patience - patience for the “big, dumb jerk” determined to shove his fist through his hat. I knelt in front of him, put my hand over my heart, and peered into his face.

               
“Vincent, I am sorry. What I did was wrong. I apologize.”

               
Staring into those eyes, I wondered if he understood. Then he grinned, spread his arms like the wings of an angel, and executed a graceful freefall into my hands. What resulted was one of the best hugs I have ever gotten or ever given, and it taught me this lesson: Never hesitate to apologize to a child when you are in the wrong. When I picked up my kids that afternoon, I told them how sorry I was for the way I'd behaved, and they graciously accepted my apology. 

              
I have thought of Vincent many times since those long-ago days at the school. And no doubt, I will think of him many more. When I apologized to him, he assured me without a word, that finally, I had stumbled into doing the right thing. And no doubt, if he’s even still alive, he suspects nothing of what he did for me that day.

My "Issue" with Keys

I have a real issue with keys. In fact, the key to many of my issues is my keys. And “issue,” as we know, is the politically correct term with which we seem to have replaced the word “problem” these days. So I’ll just say it like it is: I have a real problem with keys. I can’t find my keys, I lock my keys in the car and I lock my keys in the car with the car running. 

About the only thing I don’t seem able to do with keys is find them on the first try or without panicky rampages through my home and purse. It also seems that I require far too many self-administered pat-downs and am troubled by the fear that one day I'll enjoy the pat-downs and will resort to losing my keys on purpose so that I can justify another.

Last week I was with my son, Jon at the store. As we were leaving, I reached into my coat pocket for my keys and there was nothing there except my store receipt, three Chap Sticks and a puff of lint that didn’t even match anything that would have come from my coat.

“Huh, that’s weird,” I said. “They should be right here.” I checked my other coat pocket, came up empty, then dumped out the contents of my purse. Still I couldn’t find the keys. I peeked into the car to make sure they weren’t hanging from the ignition, but no. 

We walked back into the store and sat at the now closed-for-the-evening sandwich shop located near the store entrance. I did what women have done dating back to when we'd misplace our pelt-scrapers and dumped the purse out again. The same keys not in the purse before were not in the purse again. 

“I’ll just call AAA,” I told my son. “At least this store is open all night, so we won’t have to wait out in the cold.”

No sooner had those words come out of my mouth than an announcement came over the public address. “Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in 15 minutes . . .” Of course it was. 

Sighing heavily, I called AAA where the customer service reps actually manage to sound sorry that you’re one step closer to exhausting all your service calls and will soon have to purchase additional coverage. The rep told me that a truck would be there to assist within 50 minutes. I explained to him that I had a child with me and that the store where we were waiting was about to close, so he expedited my call. Now the driver would be there in . . . 50 minutes.

About a half-hour later, a truck pulled up and the driver rammed and jammed his way into my car. Once inside, I sweated bullets until I found the spare keys I was praying were in my satchel in the back seat. I tipped the driver with my last three bucks and drove home with my son, profoundly grateful.

When we got home, Jon and I shook off our coats, laughing about the whole thing. AAA actually was wonderful and the driver very nice. When my coat came off, I did what I often do when I’m standing up and have pockets; I shoved my hands into them – and pulled out my lost keys. I had forgotten that under my coat I was wearing a velour zip-up jacket with tiny little pockets on each side. If I hadn’t forgotten I had those pockets, I like to think I would have checked them. Unfortunately, this kind of thing is, as they say, “just like me.”  

Losing my keys always makes me think of a friend's father whose stock comment any time someone misplaces keys is: "If they were up your nose, you'd know where they are." But, of course, he doesn't say "nose."

           

And speaking of "noses," last year my ex-husband was in town on business and suggested that the kids and I meet him for dinner. So I took the kids and there we all sat over a long, leisurely dinner, followed by dessert, talking, coffee and more talking. 

When the kids and I walked to the car after dinner and it was running, my first thought was that my invisible chauffeur had started the car and was waiting in there for us. Then I remembered that I don't have an invisible chauffeur because I can't afford one. Then it dawned on me that I had left the keys in the car and that the engine had been running - for nearly ninety minutes.

Because he knows my history with cars and keys, my ex-husband vibrated with suppressed laughter. But he managed to hold himself together long enough to say he'd stick around until AAA sent someone out.

We traipsed back into the restaurant and sat on a bench, the kids next to me and my ex on the other side of the kids. I got on the phone with AAA and as I talked to the rep, a beep alerted me to an incoming text.

“Just a moment,” I said, “do you mind holding? Someone just texted me.” I took the phone away from my ear and checked the text. It read: “Ma’am, before we send a truck out, do you mind confirming that you have the jackass coverage?” Puzzled, I looked up as my ex leaned out so that I could see him past the kids – him and his phone and his uncontained glee.

A couple of years ago, a boyfriend and I were on our way out for the evening, and once again, I couldn’t seem to get my hands on my keys. The kids were right there, too, so I made this familiar announcement: “Hey everybody, listen up! I can’t find my keys! Everybody help me find my keys!”

With that naiveté found only in men, my boyfriend asked, “Why don’t you just keep them in your purse?”

“What are you, crazy?” I said. “Then I’d never be able to find them!”

The next day, he emailed me a cartoon of a mother kangaroo frantically pawing through her pouch and yelling, “He’s got to be in here somewhere!"

Sadly I admit that I left the keys in the car with it running two other times last year, and not just that evening with my ex-husband. I like to think it’s because my mind is gifted and busy and that this causes absent-mindedness. But I'm afraid it's actually something closer to the opposite.

But that’s alright; I still like myself. I’m me and that’s okay. And I provide a lot of enjoyment and a justifiable sense of superiority to all those around me. 

You can’t ask more from life than that. 

Knock, Knock, Knockin' on Heaven's Door

Some people say that when God closes a door, He opens a window. Now an atheist will tell you there is no God which would mean that if a door shuts, don't look at God. And for God sakes don't look at God to open any windows. 

So if there is no God, who does close our metaphorical doors and open our metaphorical windows? Beats me, but if I had to guess, I'd say it's one of those pesky gnats dive-bombing the human psyche - the gnats known as free will and fate. I'm not here to weigh in on either one other than to say I doubt both can exist - at least not simultaneously - and I have no idea which one does.

Anyway, one night I was out on a date with a man who was an atheist to his core. The very idea of God or religion filled him not just with disdain but with disgust. Even though we didn't see entirely eye to eye, he was such a bright man that I was enjoying his company just the same. 

He was tall, handsome, urbane and flawlessly articulate. He was as perfectly polished as the President's shoes except for the colorful discourse pouring from him on the topics of God and religion. Despite the fact that he was beginning to surmise I was too much of  a "believer," we were very much enjoying our talk. 

He turned to me where we were seated at the bar of a pricey little watering hole, pulled out his cell phone and asked if I'd like to see pictures of the renovations he was performing on his house. As he swiped through the photos, he explained the details as he went, finally stopping at a picture of beautiful mahogany-stained doors lying atop sawhorses.

     
"I'm installing these doors throughout the house," he said. As soon as I saw the picture, an evil troll banged a gong in my head.

    
"Did you know those are 'Christian doors?'" I asked, an innocent expression faked upon my face.

"I don't know what you mean," he said, gravely. Now, he was 6'2" and I'm 5'4", so one could say he really was looking down on me. 

"The doors you're installing; they're 'Christian doors,'" I repeated.

"No they are not," he replied emphatically.

"Oh, but they are," I chirped.

"No," he informed me as though addressing a well-meaning moron, "the correct term is 'six-panel doors.'"

"That may very well be, but they're also referred to as 'Christian doors,'" I explained. I honestly did like him and don't know why I wasn't behaving better. 

     
"Here, I'll show you," I offered. At this point I whipped out my own phone and Googled Christian doors.

     
"See? Look here," I invited. "Christian doors date back to the 1700s and are also known as 'frame and panel' or 'cross and bible doors.'"

     
I didn't even know they were called cross and bible doors until I read it to him and was practically giddy over it as I did. I could see him physically pull back and his posture grow stiff so I stuck my nose back into my phone - but continued:

"Okay, look. It says here that the configuration of the four panels on the bottom of the door creates the illusion of a cross. See? It's right there. It's so obvious when you know what you're looking for. And then, the two panels at the top represent an open bible, but actually, they make another cross too, don't they? Imagine that - two crosses on one door."

     
I looked up at him with the expression of an angel, which wasn't easy as it doesn't come naturally.   

"Well?" I asked, "Isn't that interesting?"

There was a long pause before he dryly remarked, "I am not going to let you ruin them for me."

     
And did I mention that his name was Christopher? It was, and may I be struck dead if I'm lying. 

Hand to God. 

Hope's Corner - Very Relaxed Road Kill

My dog, Hope - the Special of the Day at the Road Kill Cafe.