Never Depend on a Goose

One of the saddest things I can think of is an animal lying dead by the road.

However, an animal which is probably dead, lying in the grass near the road is worse. There's the possibility that instead of being dead and dragged there by a driver or pedestrian, it dragged itself there and is alive and in pain. Or someone else might have dragged it there assuming that if it wasn't dead yet, it soon would be.

Throw in the misery of a cold, rainy day and someone who doesn't have the sense to just keep driving, and you have the makings of a truly rotten experience.

I had been on the road all day, it was close to 7 p.m., and I desperately wanted to get home to my kids. Suddenly, there was no missing it: about 10 feet from the curb on the lawns of a church was a black goose sprawled on its belly. Other geese trundled by as the rain poured down on all of them. 

I pulled into the church parking lot and thought about calling Animal Control. If it were dead, the goose needed to be disposed of and if it were alive, it needed to be tended to. It took four calls before I got a hold of someone. He said they didn't have anyone on duty at the moment but could tell me who to call, a woman who volunteered for things like that. Her name was Lillian Plentworth. I called the number. 

Ms. Plentworth answered the phone after two rings and within seconds my mental picture was clear: seventy-ish, no nonsense but pleasant, sensible haircut, short fingernails, no polish, and a rain slicker with a pair of waders in the hall closet.

Me: Hello, Ms. Plentworth. I was just driving down Raleigh Drive in Birktown and saw a goose lying on the lawn in front of First Presbyterian Church. I think it's dead but I can't be sure. 

Ms. Plentworth: Well, is it breathing?

Me: I don't know. I got out of my car and tried to check a few minutes ago but I couldn't get close enough. 

I didn't mention to Ms. Plentworth that I couldn't get close enough due to a years-long bird phobia, and having the birds be dead and soaking in the rain just makes it worse. 

Ms. Plentworth: Well, run over there and look again and call me back.

She hung up before I could so much as whimper. After she hung up, I whimpered anyway. 

I got out of the car and walked back to the goose. I'd forgotten my umbrella that day and was already soaked from my first failed mission to assess the goose's condition. 

Looking closer, the goose was probably dead, but I couldn't shake the notion that it was shallowly breathing. And since I'd gotten as close as I could without hyperventilating, I scurried back to the car and called Ms. Plentworth. 

Me: I can't tell if it's breathing or not. 

Ms. Plentworth (sighing): Well, ordinarily I'd come out there, but I just rescued a turkey and now I'm about to take some soup off the stove. I'd rather not come out there if it's dead.

Me: Then I don't know what to do. I mean, someone needs to come get it either way, right? 

Ms. Plentworth: That's true. But if it's dead, that would be someone else's job. I collect them when they're injured, not when they're dead. If I told you where to take it, would you go pick it up?

Me: I'd rather not. 

Ms. Plentworth: Well, let's just assume this one's dead. I'll let Animal Control know to send someone out in the morning. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to get back to my soup. Have a good night!

I peered through the downpour, over the shining wet blacktop of the parking lot, and across the expanse of grass, vividly green from the rain. There lay the goose. It's brother and sister geese seemed unmoved. Shouldn't they perform CPR, or if the goose was religious, scratch together some kind of a service? Shouldn't they be conferring over a place to bury him or her?

I had the sudden realization that one should never depend on a goose to hand one an emergency bottle of nitroglycerin tablets. On the other hand, it also seemed sensible that one could use a goose as a model for how to stay calm in a crisis. 

'Okay,' I thought. 'That goose is in no condition to attack me so there's no reason I can't get close enough to it to make sure it's dead. If it's not, I call Ms. Plentworth back and tell her I don't care if her soup gets fried; she needs to come out here and collect that goose. If it's alive, it must be dying and at least a vet could put the poor thing out of its misery.

I approached the goose one more time.

It had probably been a good 20 minutes since I'd first spotted the goose from the road. I took a deep breath and stood a little closer this time. Clearly, it wasn't breathing. If it wasn't dead before, it was now.

Geese can't count on us either. 

If Silas Could Talk

If Silas could talk he would speak of our dog and say, "I love her so much! Let's jump her!"

Silas "in repose." The only time his

feet are still is when he's asleep. 

If Silas could talk, he would complain that there aren't enough toys around here. 

If Silas could talk he would exultantly proclaim that the reason he climbed Mt. Mommy was because she was there - in the kitchen.

If Silas could talk, he would tell you that wrapping his arms around the cat's neck and kicking her with his hind legs - while she's sleeping - is his way of keeping her mentally fit like Cato did for Clouseau. 

If Silas could talk he would justify chewing up that $30 pair of earbuds by complaining that there aren't enough toys around here. 

If Silas could talk, he would tell you that the reason he claws the new leather club chair is because the other new leather club chair already has the other cat's claw marks on it.

If Silas could talk, he would complain that he had to climb up the table cloth because his cat tree isn't challenging enough and because he'd already conquered Mt. Mommy.  

If Silas could talk, he would tell you that the kitchen counter is really the only place where his butt feels nice and cool. 

Silas, seen here shimmying up my body like a pole-

climber. 

If Silas could talk, he would tell you that the reason he tore the protective covering out from under the rocking chair, crawled up inside and forced you to get out of the chair, upend the chair, and then ram your arm in up to the shoulder to haul him out like a freshly birthed calf - five different times - was because he wanted to be closer to you and that was the only way because you always hog the rocking chair. 

Silas asking, "What is this thing? No, really - 

what is this thing?"

If Silas could talk, he would tell you that the reason he chomped holes in all the plants' leaves was because he was bored and there aren't enough toys around here. 

If  Silas could talk he would say that the reason he tears through the house like his tail is on fire, wreaking havoc and blazing a path of destruction is because he's a kitten and that's just how it is with kittens.

If I could talk to Silas in a way he'd understand, I'd tell him all is forgiven, that he'd have plenty of toys if he'd stop rolling them down the basement stairs, and that he'll feel much better once he's neutered.

And then I'd tell him I'll feel better then too - because that's just how it is with humans. 

Having Hope

I have a dog named Hope, and ever since the day we first laid eyes on each other, life has never been the same. 

Hope keeping watch while Silas sleeps.
Photo: Sydney Aronin

We met Hope (we being my kids, Syd and Jon and I) when we visited a local shelter hoping to adopt a dog. We came upon a large cage in which sat one scrawny, black and white mutt. As soon as she saw us, she snapped to attention as if she knew winning the game meant making a good impression. She concentrated so hard on sitting still that she vibrated. Her tail rapidly mopped the floor in a sweeping arc, and she peered straight into our faces. The tag on her cage read "Maybelline."

I'm not sure why, but Maybelline seems to be the default name for all goofy-looking female dogs up for adoption. 

"Guys," I said, "This dog has hope written all over her."

Isn't there an ancient admonition about becoming responsible for beings you have named? If there isn't, there should be, because now I'm responsible for Hope. It's not only that I inadvertently named her, but then I paid her adoption fees, paid for her shots, paid for her license, paid for her allergy tests, and paid for her skin infections. I just generally paid, and paid, and paid, and paid, and paid.  

Complications related to Hope started on the ride home from the shelter. Thrilled to be going anywhere with anyone, she planted herself in the backseat between the kids, a soon-to-be-thorn-in-my-side nestled between two roses. Jon was cheerfully reading her paperwork.

"Hmm . . . This is interesting. It says here, 'Maybelline is partially housebroken.'" 

I nearly pulled a U-turn in the middle of I-96.

"What??? She's an adult dog! How can she be only partially housebroken?"

I was already more than $150 in the hole with this dog. This news was like finding out that I'd just paid people for the privilege of inviting a stranger into my home, and now that stranger was going to urinate all over my carpet. Hope had lots of "accidents" before getting the kids and me trained.

The next thing we realized was that she'd probably been abused. When we'd reach out to pet her, she'd squeeze her eyes shut, hunker down, and brace for a blow. Eventually she learned to trust us but would get into scrapes with other dogs, so we had to be careful when walking her and never will take her to a dog park. 

I've written about Hope here before. You might have already read about the day we moved into our new house. Feeling territorial and stressed, Hope shot out the front door like a fur-clad cannon ball and chomped down on an ancient basset hound belonging to our new neighbor. Hope is a lean and muscular dog with legs like an Olympic marathon-runner. Picture Eeyore plodding along, pausing to sniff a daisy only to have Goofy, all hopped up on adrenaline, screech up out of nowhere and jump him. That's what it was like, but luckily Selma recovered, I paid the vet bills, and my daughter took get well treats over to our neighbor who graciously forgave us.  

Hope is otherwise quite social and likes to share. She likes to share my bed, my rocking chair, my love seat - but only when I'm trying to nap on it - and my personal space in the car. There has to be an important reason for me to drive Hope anywhere. Otherwise I avoid putting that dog in the car just as I would avoid putting myself into a tubful of dirt and drool, because that's more or less the equivalent.  

The other night, I climbed into bed and shut off the light. Hope jumped in with me. Just as I pulled up the covers, she found the top of the blankets and systematically muzzled them to the foot of the bed - like a snow-plow driver. I'd pull the blankets back up, and Hope would push them back down. This went on until it dawned on me that she was trying to burrow beneath them, so I held the blankets up. Hope walked under, collapsed dramatically as if all that plowing had exhausted her, then sneezed against my bare leg like a snorting elephant. 

Sometimes Hope does things that can only be described as inexplicable. One night when Jon was about 13, his friend Miles was staying over, and both boys fell asleep on the living room floor. Hope hopped off the couch, crossed to where Miles lay, and shoved her cold, wet nose into his ear to wake him up. Then she stepped on Miles on her way to where Jon lay and did the same thing to him. After she'd woken both boys, she stepped on Miles again on her way back to the couch and laid back down.  

Hope is also protective of the kids and me. Once when my old boyfriend, Pete was playfully smacking Syd with a pool noodle, Hope barked out a few warnings, then bit down on the seat of Pete's jeans and pulled. She did the same thing when one of the neighbor kids was rough-housing with Jon. 

Another time, when a date came to pick me up for lunch and Hope didn't know him, she repeatedly positioned herself between him and me and glared at him. This man, a self-described "dog guy," explained to me that Hope was "on alert." 

"Right now I wouldn't consider even kissing you hello," he said. 

Another of Hope's quirks is her jealousy of any dog that might be considered in any way superior to her - which some say is any dog ever, including Cujo. For Christmas a couple of years ago, I bought Syd a biography of Rin Tin Tin and Hope chewed it up before Syd got past Chapter One. 

But then something will happen, and like those times when she tries to protect us, Hope shines. A couple of weeks ago, we brought home a kitten, a tiny orange tabby we call Silas. We read up on the popular wisdom for introducing kittens and dogs, and when we finally let them meet, Hope "motherized" him, herding and licking Silas, lying nearby as he slept, and patiently allowing him to maul her muzzle and climb all over her. 

When our other cat, Kitt was perched on the sofa arm, Silas whacked her with his paw. Kitt tapped him on the head as a gentle reprimand, and Hope sent her flying with both front paws to the chest. Then she rushed back to check on Silas. 

So now, not only am I responsible for Hope because I named her, I'm responsible for her because I love her. I love her for being such a well-meaning mama, not only to Silas but to my kids and sometimes even to me. 

But thank God Syd's the one who named Silas; I don't need more responsibility.