Bricks and Mortar

I almost never go inside a store anymore - not a physical store anyway. I am one of those people helping to toll the death knell for big box stores and shopping malls. Some people still love to shop in a store. To them I say more power to you, but my first choice is shopping online. 

Graphic by Teece Aronin

Even though I'm a baby boomer, I just cannot imagine walking all over hell's half-acre trying to find one oddly-sized light bulb, just as I can no longer imagine having to answer the phone if I want to know who's calling.

A couple of weeks ago my son, Jon and I had time to kill before an appointment so I said, "Let's run into Target and get toothpaste. Besides, I really have to use the bathroom."

Inside, Jon strolled around while I dashed into the ladies room. There was a female store manager in there looking flustered. 

"I'm afraid you can't use the bathroom right now," she said. "There's been a water main break and the township is shutting off all the water."

"Now or in a few minutes?" I asked. "Because I really do have to use the bathroom."

A woman stepped out from a stall next to us, and the manager leaned to the side and peered in.

"Well, from the looks of things, you can't flush now," she said.

For no amount of money would I have traded places with that woman in the stall with her toilet bowl contents open for inspection.

"Oh, that's not necessarily true," said the woman in the stall. "I was just waiting for instructions before I flush. Should I try it, do you think?"

"Yes, go ahead, " instructed the manager. Both women were talking as if they worked for NASA, and the toilet was a rocket ship in trouble. The woman disappeared back into the stall and we heard a mournful, yowling growl from the toilet, as if a dragon was in there giving birth.

"That's just what I thought," said the manager. "You can't flush."

See now, that's a perfect example. If I was shopping online, I'd just put the laptop down and scamper off to the bathroom, then flush once the water was back on. I would not have to show my toilet contents to anyone else even if they did work for NASA. That's partly because, unlike some people, I know that a toilet is just a toilet and not a rocket ship, no matter how high someone is when they use it. When I shop online, the biggest irritant is the occasional error message because of outdated credit card numbers or passwords - unless I have to call customer service.

"Yes ma'am, it is certainly upsetting when you click to make a purchase and the item fails to appear in your cart. I know I would find that most frustrating." This was no doubt read to me from a script with a blank space for inserting my problem. 

"Well, can you fix the issue?" I ask.

"Ma'am, that depends. Did you click on the word buy or on the picture of the item you wanted to buy?"

"I clicked on the word buy."

"Ma'am, you were supposed to click on the picture."

"That doesn't make any sense. Who clicks on the picture? Besides, the word buy is bold and in italics."

"That's just an idiosyncrasy of the system, ma'am."

"An idiosyncrasy?"

"Yes, ma'am."

"Wouldn't bolding the word buy and putting it in italics be a choice made by a human? How can you say it's an idiosyncrasy in the system?"

"Well, ma'am, because it really just is," said customer service. 

And those last italics were a choice made by this human.

Sometimes It's Just Nice to Have Someone Do Your Work for You. Thank You, Help You Flunk Essay-writing Service!

Where is it written that everything should be written? Take this ad for the (let's call them) Help You Flunk Essay-writing Service. I found them when I was Googling around for something else. 

Dr. Bertha Baumgartner of 
Ainsworth, Iowa. Patience pays off.
Image by Teece Aronin. 

Please know that I am a gentle soul, even when it comes to other people's writing, and especially when said other people are writing in a second language. But when I saw this ad for an ESSAY WRITING SERVICE, I needed to be physically restrained. Please note that the italics are mine; everything else is all them. I also broke up some of their block paragraphs which were longer than anything you'll find in Manhattan:

Searching for websites that can write your essays? You are at the targeted place!

Students have a habit of doing their essays at the eleventh hour. This is because they are just too lazy procrastinating or at times there are some other commitments due to which they are unable to complete their assignments on time. Whatever the reasons may be Help You Flunk Essay-writing Service provides you timely essay writing service all at your home with ease and convenience. Just exclaim " Where to find websites that can write my essays?” and we will be most willing to help you out with your essays.

People generally tend to get confuse as they look for more websites that write custom essays online. With the advent of the internet, now students can approach these excellent websites that write essays more quickly. At Help You Flunk Essay-writing Service we guarantee all the students to have the most thorough professionals with our writers holding at least masters or PhD degree to ensure quality service. So don’t worry about the quality of the essays as we have got the best team all ready to assist you with your tedious essays. (Yeah, you lazy, stupid students and your tedious, TEDIOUS essays.)

Acquire credible services by a bunch of professional, knowledgeable writers at the best rates. (Who knew that professional, knowledgeable writers come by the bunch? Hey, Mr. Tally Man, tally me professional, knowledgeable writers,)

We are also known as one of the most reputable and committed team of essay writing services. If you are perplexed and double minded, then look at the myriad of benefits, which are offered by us.

• Our team is unswerving to excellence (Yup, they aren't a bit afraid of smashing right into it) and guarantees quality over anything. Our main motto is assuring our customers that their content will be reliable and involves rich content with accurate and detailed elements in it.
• There is no need to be concerned in terms of price range and packages, the rates are absolutely under the budget and are totally partial (Translation: If we don't like don't like you, we charge accordingly). We deliver unique content to our clients within the best affordable price deals.
• The content you will receive in the shape of essays is totally customized. They are perfectly tailored and designed to satisfy your academic interests and ultimately deliver according to that.
• Leave all your worries aside, as we offer essay writing services that are totally unique. We do not believe in copy pasted, recycled material and our expert writers make that sure as well. They rely on originality and ingenuity, which is depicted in the content.
• We provide a 100% guarantee that the allotted tasks will be delivered to you with in the prescribed time and with the availability of a speedy delivery.

Websites that write custom essays at the cheapest rates

With so many websites that write your custom essays online, the competition is getting tougher and the margins are shrinking like never before. Our company is well aware of the students’ needs and the competition in the industry. We know that students are living within a stringent budget for themselves and for this purpose we have devised the cheapest plan for them. Therefore, Help You Flunk Essay-writing Service provides you the best essay writing service all at an awfully affordable price starting from just $12.99/page. 

Furthermore, we keep on revising your work until you are satisfied with it (or until we get it right, depending on which party, you or us, gives up first) and never share your personal profile with any one to respect your privacy. So are you still reluctant about ordering your essays? (Hell, YES!) We are sure we have convinced you that we provide you with the highest quality essay writing service at the cheapest rates.

Customized essays online now available in US 

We would like to commend the team’s diligence that has finally paid off and officially announce that Help You Flunk Essay-writing Service is now available in US. We are constantly improving and growing our work to deliver you in the most efficient manner. No matter what lifestyle you have you don’t need to worry and compromise anymore. Many of you are sportsman or hardcore fitness trainers, others like to prefer travelling or reading books therefore they can’t write essays up to their peers’ standards. We would want you to be who you are and continue with your preferred activities because we are here in US to provide you with the most customized essays online. Just sit and relax and enjoy your day while we customize your essays according to your needs. 

We have been expanding our work ever since we started off with the venture with other countries such as UAE, UK, Australia and even Canada (because anyone can read online ads almost anywhere in the world and Canadians are too polite to say no) as our business place. Most importantly our academic writers are proficient in almost all the disciplines which include Micro Economics, Customer Relation Management, Art History, and other subjects. So hurry up students, don’t miss out the chance and order now to get customized essays for our website. We are hardly a few clicks away.

Teece here again. Note the case of Bertha Baumgartner pictured above. Baumgartner finally graduated from University of Iowa, Carver College of Medicine and is now a practicing urologist. She'd been a client of Help You Flunk since 1943 when the service still typed its essays on Underwood typewriters. Said Baumgartner: "Hindsight is always 20-20. Maybe I should have switched to another service, but I never change horses in midstream." 

"This is Memorial Day weekend and I decided that I deserved to phone this one in. So I kicked back and let the Help You Flunk Essay-writing Service write today's blog post for me. 

And it's staying here until I receive a cease and desist letter from their lawyer, which would have to be better written than their ad.