Let Us Be Batesful

Thanksgiving is this Thursday and I was just thinking - before the death of Norma Bates, she and her son, Norman must have spent some lonely holidays together. I think when Alfred Hitchcock directed Psycho, he should have included some flashbacks to show us what those holidays were like. But since it's too late for that, I'm stuck using my imagination. 

A Batesful Thanksgiving by

Teece Aronin. Available at the

phylliswalter store on Redbubble.com

I came up with one scenario for how Mrs. Bates could have met her end if her end had fallen on Thanksgiving. Actually, in this scenario, Thanksgiving is instrumental in bringing about her end. I offer it here in hopes that it will make your relatives look better to you this year. You can thank me later. 

Now, picture with me if you will . . .

. . . a Thanksgiving morning, and, as usual, the neon vacancy light burns with hope beside the Bates Motel. Switching that light on is a task Norman Bates has performed in a perfunctory way ever since the new highway went in, routing traffic away from the motel that he and his mother run. 

Behind the motel, high up on a hill is the house Norman shares with his mother. It is a dark, tumbledown Gothic monstrosity - or is it Victorian? Anyway, right now, the only light burning in the entire house is a dingy bulb attached to a cord that dangles from the ceiling. Norman and his mother are preparing their holiday dinner. Let's listen, shall we?

Norman (at the sink, smiling and rinsing blood from the turkey): Mother, do you think we might get any Thanksgiving travelers on their ways home tonight?

Mrs. Bates (standing at the counter next to Norman): No. And pass me those potatoes I had you bring up from the cellar. By the way, something smells off down there. What have you got stashed away?

Norman: Nothing, Mother. Really.

Mrs. Bates: Nothing mother really my foot! I asked you a question, young man, and I expect an answer!

Norman: Mother, it's just a few things I need for my new hobby. Really, the smell won't bother you at all once you get used to it. One day you won't even know I've been doing anything down there at all. 

Mrs. Bates: I highly doubt that. And just what is that smell anyway?

Norman: Pickling agents, Mother. 

Mrs. Bates: Pickling agents! Norman Bates, have you been sniffing my canning supplies again?

Norman: No, Mother. But soon you won't be needing your canning supplies, so please, let's just try to forget about it.

Mrs. Bates: What do you mean, I won't be needing my supplies?"

Norman: I simply meant, Mother, that canning seems to be to physically demanding for you lately. I think it's time you gave it up. We can afford to buy the kinds of things you used to can. 

Mrs. Bates: What do you mean "used to can?" Norman, just what kind of a ditwad are you? That canning saves us hundreds of dollars a year. With the motel not getting any business, that money comes in handy. Now, where are the onions I asked for?

Norman: Mother, you didn't ask me for any onions. 

Mrs. Bates: Well, suppose you just march your caboose down to the cellar and get some?

Norman: Yes, mother. 

Thinking what a pain in the caboose his mother's always been, Norman trudges down the cellar stairs, selects two onions, then trudges back up. Trudging is as close as Norman's ever gotten to showing his mother he's angry. He hands her the onions.

Mrs. Bates: And suppose you tell me what other of your hobby supplies I'm smelling down there? And where's the celery?

Norman: Mother, you didn't ask me for celery either.

Mrs. Bates: Oh, don't be ridiculous, Norman; of course I asked you for celery. Get down to that cellar and find some.

Now, instead of being a pain in his caboose, Norman's mother morphs in his head into being a caboose; a caboose attached to a long line of boxcars carrying highly explosive materials, jumping the tracks and plunging over a cliff to a fiery end. This time Norman stomps down to the cellar, snatches up five stalks of celery, punches them repeatedly, then stomps back upstairs. 

Mrs. Bates: You were just about to tell me; what else am I smelling down there?

Norman: Tanning chemicals, preservatives, relaxers. Oh, and some re-hydration products.

Mrs. Bates: What are you running down there, some kind of spa?

Norman (hoisting the turkey into a roasting pan): Well, let's just say, that I find it relaxing. 

Mrs. Bates: Norman, why didn't you bring up any rutabagas? 

Norman: Mother, you never said you wanted rutabagas.

Mrs. Bates: Norman, what do you take me for, a cook or a kook? I most certainly did tell you I wanted rutabagas. Now march! 

Going down for the third time, Norman storms off, accidentally striking his head on the dangling light bulb. It swings back and forth, back and forth. His mother's face is glaringly illuminated then darkly shadowed; back and forth and over and over. Seeing his mother like this makes Norman nervous. Once Norman has returned to the kitchen: 

Mrs. Bates: This hobby of yours - is it something I might enjoy?

Norman (slyly): Well, I'd be happy to expose you to it. 

Mrs. Bates: What about those preservatives? What are those for?

Norman (smiling at his mother): Mother, those preservatives could help keep you looking fresh and alive for a long, long time. 

Mrs. Bates: Hmm . . . After dinner I'd like you to show me what you've got going on down there. Maybe for once you've got yourself a hobby we can share.

Norman: Trust me, Mother. There's one thing I'd like to try with my hobby that I wouldn't want to do with anyone but you.

Mrs. Bates: Norman, I must say, that was rather sweet. 

Norman crosses the kitchen to return with a pan of steaming hot dressing. He begins spooning it into the bird's cavity.

Mrs. Bates (looking furious): Norman Bates! That is no way to stuff a turkey!

Norman (smiling again): Mother, there are all kinds of ways to stuff a turkey, and all kinds of turkeys to stuff. I'll show you what I mean after dinner . . . in the cellar.    

Gloria Steinem is 81 and Still Cool

Gloria Steinem is 81!

Fish Without a Bicycle
Illustration, copyright Teece Aronin

And she doesn't look all that different from how she looked back in the day, back when we could expect something just a little cutting yet somehow elegant flying from her lips to the media's ear on an almost daily basis.

But I'm throwing water on one of the most fiery arguments Steinem ever made: that a woman's looks don't have to define her, nor should women be sexually objectified. I agree.

I mention Steinem's looks only in the context of her being 81, and how it seems the cosmic force that launched her into 1960s psyches now stirs something into Steinem's coffee with a magic spoon, making her close to ageless so she can continue to challenge and guide in the form with which the world became so enamored years ago.

While I can't embrace every Steinem message, I have a sense that she's closer to right than I am and that I often miss her point. Remember when she quipped, "A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle?" I take some exception to that, particularly since fish and bicycles would make pretty weird-looking offspring. But I probably should aspire to a more full-on embrace of Steinem's point of view.

Then again, perhaps I have. After all, I have reached the point where I don't see myself as needing a man, simply preferring to share life with one. And where Steinem artfully articulated contempt for the notion that women need men, sometimes I really do need a man because I've never ridden a bicycle that . . . well, once maybe.

And if a woman wants to get someplace on a bike while enjoying a man's company and not having to pedal, she needs a man. Just ask Katherine Ross. After Paul Newman rode her all around the barnyard in Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid, Ross' beautiful bum no doubt ached for days, but at least her legs didn't get tired. And since that's always the trade off in that situation, I prefer to see the bike tire as half full.

I wonder if I'm now guilty of objectifying men. Ugh, liberation, equity and equality can be tricky. Let's just say that I have a great liking for men, for many of their perspectives, and for their hard work and companionship. And yes, I do see the genders as equals. 

But what really gets me, I say as I miss Steinem's point yet again, is that I'll never look as good as she when I'm 81. There are recent photos of her all over the Internet, promoting her memoir, still lean, still clad in tight-fitting jeans and body-hugging tops with a belt loosely draped around her slender hips.

Arriving home at the end of a long book tour, does Steinem groan as she eases onto the edge of the bed; does she whine as she pulls off her boots? Does she grimace while removing her jeans? Does she then step gingerly into her walk-in tub, "perfect for the senior with mobility issues?" And does she have this walk-in tub because she can't get out of an ordinary tub unassisted? I think not. Something tells me Steinem has a regular bathtub and that she gets in and out of it as easily as ever because Gloria Steinem is just that cool.

And because Steinem probably needs a walk-in tub like a fish needs a bicycle.

Dumb Door-a

Doors can be dangerous. On their surface, they come off as silent stewards of privacy and sentries against intruders. At their most innocent, they make lovely additions to your home.

Image by Teece Aronin

But the reality of doors can be ominous. The other day, as I reached to push open the door of my doctor's office, someone tentatively opened then closed it from the other side. This tipped me off to open the door cautiously. Standing on the other side was a bespectacled lady in her eighties. We exchanged pleasantries as I swung the door wider and almost nailed another lady who looked a bit like the first and was at least as old.

"Whoops," I said. "Nearly got two for one!"  

One of the ladies commented that their placement, combined with my entrance, had indeed presented a rare opportunity for me, assuming I was in to little old lady tipping.

I once nearly got myself killed by my garage door, and I can think of at least one slasher movie where a teen was done in when the killer used one to crush her head against the door frame. For the life of me, I can't remember the exact circumstances around how my garage door almost did me in. All I remember was that the door was up and I needed to be both out of the house and leave the door closed. Who knows what had happened to the garage door opener. 

So I stood by the door that led to the kitchen, pushed the garage door button, and ran. The door began a rattly descent and a few feet from it I bent over and thrust myself beneath. Then I lost my balance. By the time I hit the ground I had picked up quite a bit of momentum and couldn't stop rolling until the tree in the front yard stepped up to help. 

Flash-forward twenty years and I'm at another door inside another garage leading into another kitchen. My son's in this house having just spent the night here with his friend, Giles and the home belongs to Giles' grandparents. The house is huge and so is the garage. There is a two-car garage door with a one-car garage door next to it. The two-car door is up and the one-car is down. 

I press what I think is the doorbell but the smaller garage door opens. I'm embarrassed and don't want Giles' grandparents to think I'm messing with their garage doors. I fumble for the button and press again. This time the big door goes down. I press the button yet again hoping both doors reopen but only the small one goes up. When I press one last time, the bigger door goes up, the smaller one lowers. 

I knock. 

"Those doors can be confusing," says Giles' grandfather, letting me in.

I like Giles' grandfather. 

Waiting For the Bus

It was at a party for her daughter's eighth birthday, in the midst of a whole lot of hoopla, that we had this conversation, the other mommy and I. As parents tend to do when en masse, we talked about our children - their quirks, their cleverness, the lengths to which our love for them had driven us. We each had a boy and a girl, but in my case, the girl was older, and in her case, the boy was, by just a few years.

Image: Teece Aronin

Our daughters were classmates at school, and that was how the other mommy and I first met. She was flamboyant and loud, but in good ways - extroverted, I should have said. She was tall and sexy and could make smoking look almost as glamorous as people thought it was back in the fifties. She could also drink like a fish but didn't seem to lose control from it. I could never imagine her sick on booze, cooling her face on the bathroom tiles like a lot of people do when they've drunk too much. She seemed to take everything in stride, made everything she did look easy. And she was a loving mother, a hands-on mother, the kind of mother who makes mud pies with her kids.

Since children's parties and parent-teacher conferences were our usual conversation venues, we didn't talk often, but I enjoyed her when we did. One time she listed for me all the reasons she'd preferred to work outside the home even when her kids were babies. She said the same thing as a lot of women who work, when financially they can afford to stay home; that the adult interaction made her a better parent. Then she jokingly confessed the "real reason" and laid it smack on her daughter's playhouse doorstep: "That kid always talked way - too - damned - much."

But that was a different time and not the conversation I'd started to tell you about. This other conversation, as I said, took place on the occasion of her daughter's eighth birthday. But we weren't talking about her daughter; we were talking about her son. We were at her home, a comfortable townhouse she shared with her family. Being at her place always cheered me up because it was cluttered and chaotic even when she entertained, and she made no apologies for it. It cheered me up because when I entertained, I either compulsively bulldozed the clutter out or compulsively apologized for it to my guests. How could I get as comfortable in my skin as she was in hers, I wondered.

Anyway, there we were, the other mommy and I, grazing from the veggie plate, when she told me that when she was a girl, she used to make fun of the "short bus," the smaller buses used to transport kids with special needs to and from school.

So this is how the kids who teased, the kids who bullied might turn out, I mused. I had never met an adult with the guts to admit to that kind of behavior, but this one had, and she'd grown up to be . . . well . . . good, in a lot of ways. I don't know if she made fun of the kids themselves, the kids with special needs, I mean, or if she just joked about the bus itself, telling her friends they belonged on one and that kind of thing. I suppose it doesn't matter now.

For the life of me, I can't remember how we got onto the topic of her son's first day of kindergarten or what possessed her to tell me something so personal, but she did. She said that she stood at the curb with him, waiting for the bus, and the picture of them was so clear in my head, her standing there with him, her son, born with Down syndrome.

And she said that what looped through her mind over and over were the words: "Please God, don't let it be a short bus. Please God, don't let it be a short bus. Please God, don't let it be a short bus."

I don't remember if it turned out to be a short bus or not, but maybe that doesn't matter now either.

O Don't Let Me Sext When I'm Sleezy

I'm a little like the drunk who thinks he's fine to drive except that I'm the out-of-it girlfriend who thinks she's fine to text. 

Image, copyright Teece Aronin

I have a history of this kind of thing. Let's say I'm seeing a man who's on the road a lot. Invariably I'll say something like: "Text me when you get to your hotel - even if you think I'm asleep." The next day I see the text he sent at 1 a.m. then read my reply. I am absolutely mortified. 

About a year ago I was in bed with the flu when a man I was dating texted.

"What can I do to help you?" he asked - from Duluth. 

I'd been napping, was high on over-the-counter flu meds and wasn't wearing my glasses. I wrote back: "Just come on me once in a while." 

I have no idea how that happened when what I thought I wrote was, "Just check on me once in a while." Notice that some of the accidental letters in that text aren't anywhere near the intentional letters. 

There was another time when I was sleepy and sick and trying to talk to a boyfriend on the phone. Suddenly he wasn't there so I groped for the wall socket then texted to explain. I wrote: "My O just died." 

No it hadn't. My phone had just died. I was far too out of it to have had an O at that moment, but if I had, it would have just died, too. 

I'm often struck by what lovely gentlemen I've dated as not one of them pretended to notice any of the misfires including those described above. Then again, they probably wept with laughter, waved over every guy in the bar and wheezed out the words, "Look at what my passed out girlfriend just texted!" 

You know, that whole texting while sleepy thing used to embarrass me but I'm past all that. I just do my best to tap the right letter and if I happen to land anywhere within three letters of the right letter, I'm happy. 

Let men play Alan Turing to my Enigma. Let them struggle to understand me for once.

And by the way, the title of this essay is actually: Oh, Don't Let Me Text When I'm Sleepy.

I shouldn't be allowed to blog either. 

For Al-John and All the Others Like Her

For a while I did a lot of online dating. Many days as an online dater were an adventure in cat and mouse except the cats were usually VERY stupid. And most of the cats who weren't stupid were VERY creepy.

Graphic design: Teece Aronin

One day a man "liked" my profile (meaning he clicked something to indicate his interest), and when I took a closer look, he'd posted no photo of himself, listed nothing by way of personal information, and his username was AlmostNormalNow.

Then there was Seekingonereal. It took me half an hour to figure out that he was seeking one real. I couldn't imagine why he'd want to date a woman with an STD unless maybe he worked for the Health Department.

The parade continued when I spent almost a week messaging with a man before he wrote that he really wasn't ready to date someone after all. 

'Well, it was great while it never lasted,' I sighed. Two days later he texted: "Hi, Terri! How are you, gorgeous?"

"How am I?" I wrote back, "I'm not Terri, for one thing." 

There are a lot of scammers on these sites too, and most of them aren't the sharpest tools in the shed, but they are tools. Case in point: the man who messaged me whose profile said he was a "guy seeking girls." At one point, he listed his name as John, and at another time he was Al. And on top of all that, his profile said, "I'd love to meet a really great guy and settle down; some man who knows how to treat a real and honest woman like me."

Our exchange went like this:

Me: "Why does your profile say your name is Al?"

Al-John: "Because that happens to be my name, sweetheart."

Me: "Then why does it also list your name as John?"

Al-John: "Oh, because my name is Al but I sometimes go by John."

Me: "And why did your profile say you're a woman?"

Al-John: "I think I typed that without my glasses. Maybe I should wear them more often."

Me: "Maybe you should, girlfriend."

To be fair, there were times I'd stretch out on the bed in ratty sweats, my hair in rollers with three or four candy bars and a party size bag of chips. I'd be tucked into bed all cozy, messaging something like this:

"Well thank you. You seem interesting, too. And yes, of course I think you're cute. Thank you for thinking I'm cute, too. Yup, I do try to take care of myself. I feel so much healthier when I eat right."

One of the online dating hopefuls messaged me one day, and when I looked at his photos, there was one of him posing in front of the Washington Monument so that it appeared to be rising out of his trouser-fronts. 

Things finally got so bad that when a ruggedly handsome guy who had two college degrees and was working on a Masters in Divinity asked me out, my friend, Tina shouted, "Praise God!" It turned out that, in addition to worshiping God, he wanted to worship me too, just not in church. 

Sometimes I'd get a little discouraged. So many men out there did not seem to be looking for what I was. I mean, I thought I knew what I was looking for. Well, let's put it this way: I knew what I wasn't looking for; I wasn't looking for a man like Al-John.

And I definitely wasn't seekingonereal. 

Cupid, Who's Your Daddy?

I just read online (where everything you read is true) that Cupid, that little fat-bottomed god of love, was the son of Venus and either Mercury or Mars. So, let me get this straight: Cupid's paternity is in doubt?  

I'm sure Venus had a good explanation - if being the goddess of love, sex, desire, and fertility weren't enough. And I'm certain she had not done the toga tussle with Mercury and Mars in such close succession that there was that much confusion over which one fathered Cupid - had she? 

Maybe the article meant the father was Mercury or Mars but exactly which is a detail lost to time. Or maybe it's a Greek versus Roman mythology mix-up?  But looking at it that way isn't nearly as fun, and frankly, I'm too lazy to google it. 

But it did start me thinking: What would conversations between Cupid and Venus have been like once Cupid started asking questions. So, imagine with me if you will . . .

. . . a lovely day in sunny Rome. Venus has descended from on high to winter with Cupid in the timeshare she owns with Mars. She summers with Cupid in the timeshare she owns with Mercury. Today mother and son are riding a float in a festival where adoring crowds toss them flowers.

Cupid, now 40 in mortal years, is an adult version of the plump cherub he once was, meaning pudgy, baby-faced, spoiled, and prone to tantrums. Atop his fattish head rests an unruly mop of graying curls. He leans toward his mother and speaks, teeth clenched in an artificial smile for the benefit of the crowds. 

"Mummy, I ask you again: Is my father Mercury or Mars?"

"Oh, darling, and I tell you again, it doesn't matter." Venus waves the cup-handed wave of a Disney Princess. "You spend plenty of time with each of them, both help support you financially, and neither one complains . . . much. Really, I don't know what the problem is.

"The problem, Mummy, is that I don't like it."

"Cupid, I am trying to be patient, really I am. But honestly, two strong, handsome, generous benefactors who, with me, provide you a fabulous lifestyle with two luxury timeshares; what's not to like?"

"Well for starters," Cupid replies, "I don't like having to call them Uncle Daddy."

Venus sighs. "Cupid, as you know, that was my idea, and I think it's the perfect compromise."

More waves, more smiles, more clenched teeth. 

"The only compromise, Mummy, is my peace of mind. And besides, neither of them likes me."

"Cupid, how could you possibly even think that?"

"Because they've each tried to kill me, that's why. Last week they took me hunting, the two of them, which believe you me, I found suspicious from the get-go. Then Uncle Daddy Mercury tricked me into walking into a clearing alone where Uncle Daddy Mars shot me with an arrow - and not one of my love arrows, if you get my drift!" 

"Oh, that's just silly, darling. "Mars said he mistook you for a deer, and I believe him."

"What he said, Mummy, was that he took me for a buffalo, which, by the way, wasn't very nice. He's always poking me about my weight."

"Cupid, sweetheart, you really must stop taking every innocent little comment as a remark about your size. You look grand, darling; you really do."

"Grand, Mummy? Really?"

Venus finally snaps. "I meant grand as in wonderful, not grand as in large, Cupid!"

The crowds are still pitching flowers, and whenever one lands in Venus' lap, she lifts it to her nose and inhales dramatically. Suddenly someone pitches the contents of a bucketful of flowers straight at Venus. They smack her in the face and tangle in her hair. Seconds later, more flowers come flying at Cupid, also hitting home. Venus and Cupid look to see that the first load was pitched by Mercury and the second by Mars, both of whom are glowering at them from the crowd.

Sputtering and picking petals off her tongue, Venus confides to her son, "Cupid, darling, Mummy might need to unload those timeshares."